Gemma Cooper-Novack
Securities Against Aging

4,200 sliced cucumbers
One shade tree
A handful of silicon
Avocados, mashed (one per nipple, distribute as needed)
Spike-heeled boots with intensive arch support
Chicken soup, varieties for both body and soul
Eight calf leather brassieres and seven pairs of leopard-skin underpants
62 scrub brushes and lavender oil
Three cases of Viagra
One glass of red wine daily
Non-GMO vegan corn dogs
Treadmill desks
Whole milk Greek yogurt
The Philosopher's Stone
Fourteen buckets of imported mud from Japan
A mouthful of formic acid, preferably from live ants
More water than you desire to take in
Forty-eight dildoes
A bread machine
The blood of Blake Lively
A billion dollars
Love
Palm oil
The complete absence of raccoons
Two platefuls of squid ink risotto per week
Avoiding the elephant graveyard
A scaffold and a sling
A helicopter fleet, minimum 12
Four cups of brown rice congee every morning
A squirt of lemon in every relevant orifice